day one without love

well i guess the first day is always the most difficult day?

no actually it should be when i first heard the news, that night was totally torturous!

i couldn't get any sleep till like morning 5plus?

it's just too much for me to accept

i can't close my eyes without seeing your face and that scene is so heart wrenching.

and to top it off, it was our second month.

thinking back, feels so contradicting when i said happy second month baby!

it was like a total opposite? hais T.T

well the official first day, i woke up around 2:30 in the afternoon.

i think i was awaken by some negative thoughts?

i can't remember exactly what, all i remember is i woke up feeling very very sad

and all that's going through my mind is that he can't be around for me anymore for a long long god damn LONG TIME!!!

and that thought is seriously killing me!

sorry it's not a thought, it's a F.A.C.T

@#$?!*&!@!#!@$(!@#$!

wtf why am i so unlucky?!

but i love him too much to let go off him now, i really hope i can survive that one year with the same feelings for him

anyway, i called rachel darling for awhile to chat so as to make myself feel better and indeed i did, thanks darling girl (:

after that i went out to meet jilljill to do our manicure and pedicure.

in between when i see her texting her boyfie, i'll miss mine and feel alittle down

but i guess i managed to throw that emotion to the back of my mind

but when we were having dinner at cafe cartel i can't resist the temptation and texted you

in the end all i get was disappointment and a very dejected feeling

thanks to the reply i'm busy.

it just send tears down my cheek

i can't help it

i can't cope with the sudden 360 degree change!

from yes baby, give me a min i'll call you when i'm done alright? to i'm busy.

how am i supposed to get used to such cold replies from you

and maintain the feelings we have and sustain our relationship for a year?!

i don't know about you, but i seriously find it soooooooo freaking difficult!

you won't understand how i felt when i receive such smses from you

how hurtful those words are

多的是你不知道的事

luckily, things got a little better later when you texted me again.

when we had the little chat with more words

but the one message that really made my day was the one when i asked you about going out to drink with darius, your reply made me feel loved(:

"only you and him? seriously i can't say much. you should know what i mean"

yes baby of course i know what you mean(:

i love you so much!

jill came over to my house to accompany me for the night

which felt so much better

at least it kept me from all those unnecessary thoughts

and and we talked on the phone for awhile! hehehe!

baby, do you know there's actually another message that made me feel like you're still my baby boy without any changes.

"suddenly woke up de. going back to sleep now. then you still don't want to sleep?"

cause that's like almost 5 in the morning already, your little concern makes me feel very happy already. it's like the old saying, behind every dark clouds there'll be a silver lining.

had a nice chat with jilljill till 7am in the morning i think

which actually made me feel even more proud of my babyboy

i've got the best boyfriend in the world(:

although he can't be around now ):

it's really weird times passes so quickly

it's like every start of the year you'll feel like urgh i bet this year is gonna pass damn slow!
but *poof* one year passed just like that! lol

isn't it funny?

so many things happened this year

i guess i could say i really lived my life like a drama this year

i've experience every single emotion to the max

the saddest moment, the happy moments, all the ups and downs in life

hopefully all that just made me stronger

before starting 2011, i got one last goodbye to say

and that is to the guy that i once loved most, haroy soh

if not for the photos that we've took together i'll find it so hard to believe that we were once an item and so much in love with each other

it's all like a dream to me now

although happiness doesn't last but thanks for giving me the sweetest 2 months in my life.

when we got together, i thought fairytales prolly do exist? haha silly me

like i've always said when your eye candy becomes your boyfriend, its like a dream come true

that's exactly what i felt back then

but clearly not anymore(:

reality slapped me hard(and i mean really hard) in the face when we broke up

i no longer believe in prince charming or happily ever after anymore

even though i would really want it to happen

thanks for being such a bastard to wake me up to reality

so now i don't believe in guys that much anymore

you've made me grown stronger

and now that i believe i'm totally over you

i'm glad to say goodbye haroy!

goodbye to the cause of all my tears and sorrow!

you'll be gone with 2010 and my new year would definitely be a better one without you!

can't wait! :D

alright! before proceeding to 2011 i've got some recent happy memories that i'll want to remember for the rest of my life too!

CHRISTMAS 2010!

i've had a great time cam-whoring with my little cutie pie cousin kaikai

on christmas day itself we went over to my cousin's condo to celebrate with my mumsy's side relatives, but actually most of the time we were just snapping photos haha!

especially my sister and i

oooh! and there's a surprise lucky draw gift at the end too! haha

they must be damn rich luh!

my cousin paid for the catering, provide the place and even presents just for us!

property agent is such a good income job eh?

and of course my sisters gift exchange on the 26/12

whenever i'm out with them they never fails to make it a good one

which involves lots of laughing! LOL

after a scrumptious dinner at 北上川 steamboat we went to the take a walk at RWS and along universal studio to cam whore and finally settled down at coffeebean to chill

and exchange christmas gifts! :D

i seriously love them uber lots!

and i got a feeling that we'll stick with each other for at least another 20 years

we've promised to go market or ntuc to buy veg together in future when we become

housewives! HAHAHA!

♥♥♥

these few days i was watching this hongkong drama called 谈情说案

it's a very nice show

it's been some time since a show could really move me to tears

or maybe because this time the scenario is really something that i could relate to

looking at her it's like looking at myself in the past

refreshing my feelings and memories

from the way they broke up, the reason of the broke up, the aftermath of it

everything everything just reminds me of him

and how happily in love he is now

i'm happy for him, really

i was wondering why would i still feel so down after so long

i believe it's almost half a year since we broke up already

i should be over him long ago

why would i still be so affected when i watch this show?

i really don't know what am i crying for these 2 nights

what am i sad over!!

i hate this feeling

is it really so difficult to find someone that loves me as much as i love him

someone that would appreciate me and treat me well

so that when i treat him well, he won't feel stress and use that as a reason to break up!

i think it's really time to change a working environment

i don't know how long more i can take working with them

seeing them together

i hate myself for being so weak

why can't i be stronger like the girl in the show

maybe things would have been different

finally after almost 3 weeks, i see you again.

i guess i still need more time away from you?

i'm still kind of affected by you

the first day was still alright, i realised i didn't really care about your presence that much.

but the second day was abit more tough

cause you actually came over and talk to me yourself

i've already did my part and tried to ignore you, treating you like you're invisible

smiling and talking to everyone except you.

but you blew it, you came over yourself!

i was damn shocked can?

i was busy arranging the brochures at one corner myself then suddenly

somebody talked to me from behind

*excuse me*

so i turned around and said yes? thinking it was a customer

and you laughed so happily

your smile is still so attractive

never would i have thought that it would be you

i really don't understand you, i don't know what you are thinking

what you did makes me feel like we're still together or at least on good terms

playing around with each other like nothing has happened before

baby you're still so cute

after this how do you want me treat you as an invisible person?!

you've already made me notice you

like your way of saying hello to me

i really miss those happy times we had last time

playing around disturbing each other, having lunch together during work, waiting for you to end work and go have supper together at sunshine place and walking me home after that.

all those simple things yet so blissful

baby you liar, you said we can meet anytime because we're still friends

but no i don't feel that way.

i really don't know what is going through your mind at all

sometimes you make me feel as though we're still on good terms

but sometimes we're like total stranger with no contact at all

you make me feel like i shouldn't cling onto you anymore even as friends

like you don't give a damn about me

what's wrong with you?

or is it my fault?

after sunday i really feel like contacting you

be it sms wise or calling you

but i know i shouldn't do that anymore

i promised myself that i won't contact you myself anymore

i don't want you to think that i'm irritating

i don't wanna be like the other girls around you

see you in 5days time

i miss you baby

after so long why haven't i got over you?

though things are much better already

i don't cry so much at night now

but i still think of you every now and then

but i'm facing the fact instead

like the fact that you broke up with me not because of any other reason but because you don't love me anymore.

do you know how much courage i need to accept this fact?

so many different lies i've heard from others

i really wanna believe them all

but if it's not the truth why lie baby?

is it really like what rachel say

you only said all these to make yourself look better in the break up?

i've never wanna believe this but it seems like that's the ugly truth

baby i don't wanna contact you anymore

i really have to refrain myself from calling you or texting you already.

i cannot believe we actually reached the stage where by i don't know what to talk to you about anymore, when i called you that day seriously i really hoped i did not do that.

in that case i wouldn't realise this!

it sucks to end up like that

when we used to have never ending topics to talk about and now i can't even hold a conversation more than 2mins with you.

i really wonder how long more is this is gonna continue

not going to work for 2 weeks is a wise choice i guess

i think my wounds are healing already

as long as nothing drastic happens

like you have a new girlfriend already etc

i really cannot imagine one day i login to facebook and i see

haroy soh is in a relationship with blah blah blah

i think i'll go crazy? haha

that day your msn pm is already killing me!

what i love you it's not for others to see, are you telling me that you are in love with someone else already?! baby i know i have no rights to stop you but it's only been 2 months!

i cannot take it!

oh god help me get over him please!

i don't wanna wash my face with tears because of him anymore!

i think it's enough tears shed for the same reason

please speed up the recovery process!!

i'm dying here

):

our supposedly

happy 4th month baby

recently, my feelings are very mixed up.

i'm feeling very confused, unsure of what i want now

i feel like i've slowly slowly let go of him

like holding sand in my hands

letting go bit by bit through the gaps between my fingers.

this should be a good sign right?

but how come i don't feel happy at all?

able to let go of the pain in my heart

allowing the wounds to heal should be something good

something that can make me smile

but that's not the case

i don't want to lose the feelings i have for him

i want to drown myself in the sorrow of losing him

haha i must be mad to have such thinkings

i don't want

i feel very guilty to be feeling this way, like it's a crime to stop loving you baby.

i really wonder how will things be for us in future?

i find it difficult to be friends with you

i guess you must be feeling this way too.

it's still awkward to talk face to face at work yea?

i can sense you avoiding me all the time

so you should be glad that you won't be seeing me for 2 weeks close to 3 weeks

i don't know why the hell would i accept that lousy job

but i guess i was still hoping that you'll somehow miss me if you don't see me for a period of time

then maybe you'll contact me yourself?

i was hoping for that

silly me

baby you liar, you said we can meet anytime but up till now i think i've asked you twice but you weren't free on both days

so much for your anytime

and i still haven't take a ride in your new car!

i wonder how many girls have already done that

i'm so jealous of your future girlfriend ):

i wonder who will that lucky girl be?