our supposedly

happy 4th month baby

recently, my feelings are very mixed up.

i'm feeling very confused, unsure of what i want now

i feel like i've slowly slowly let go of him

like holding sand in my hands

letting go bit by bit through the gaps between my fingers.

this should be a good sign right?

but how come i don't feel happy at all?

able to let go of the pain in my heart

allowing the wounds to heal should be something good

something that can make me smile

but that's not the case

i don't want to lose the feelings i have for him

i want to drown myself in the sorrow of losing him

haha i must be mad to have such thinkings

i don't want

i feel very guilty to be feeling this way, like it's a crime to stop loving you baby.

i really wonder how will things be for us in future?

i find it difficult to be friends with you

i guess you must be feeling this way too.

it's still awkward to talk face to face at work yea?

i can sense you avoiding me all the time

so you should be glad that you won't be seeing me for 2 weeks close to 3 weeks

i don't know why the hell would i accept that lousy job

but i guess i was still hoping that you'll somehow miss me if you don't see me for a period of time

then maybe you'll contact me yourself?

i was hoping for that

silly me

baby you liar, you said we can meet anytime but up till now i think i've asked you twice but you weren't free on both days

so much for your anytime

and i still haven't take a ride in your new car!

i wonder how many girls have already done that

i'm so jealous of your future girlfriend ):

i wonder who will that lucky girl be?

this few days have been rather peaceful or i should say rather busy

it's good to have programs everyday

so as to keep myself busy and my mind off things that shouldn't bother me

let's see

i've watched 9 temples on tuesday and despicable me(3D) on friday!

supposingly should be watching inception today

which means 3 movies in a week! (without spending a single cent)

isn't it awesome?!

hahaha

but sadly i seriously overslept today so couldn't make it for the date today

sorry darius!

but yesterday i enjoyed myself alot too!

initially we planned to go clubbing but we reached a tad too late so we decided to train down to cine to sing k instead.

k happy is seriously damn ex can?! $37 nett though you can sing till 6am with 2 drinks but still

it burned a huge hole in my wallet!

i went home without a single cent ):

but once in a while alright la teeheeXD!

oh oh oh! and yesterday was like one of my greatest achievement

we walked ALLLL the way from cine to cityhall (funan IT mall there) to clarke quay to raffles and finally neil rd there

i think we walked for like 1 and a half hours hahaha

now i have like blisters on both my big toe thanks to the heels i'm wearing -.-

but it's still fun!

singapore is really small man!

it's interesting how the places are linked in a walkable distance lol

friday when i took nr3 home alone cause stupid justin don't stay at cck

i alighted at sunshine place as i didn't wanna wait for the bus to go around yewtee

when the bus passed by sunshine place a wave of sadness overwhelmed me again

looking at the table that we always sat at, you eating your chicken fried rice plus egg happily

that's like a weekly routine already

at least once a week we'll be there for supper after work ordering the exact same thing

it's becoming a habit that i don't wanna kick.

baby do you know how i felt when i was walking home alone from sunshine that day?

worse still the mp3 i'm listening suddenly played the song that we once sang together

男人女人

maybe it doesn't mean anything to you when you were singing it

but to me it's like a promise that you'll be true to me forever and never to hurt me you know

that road home used to be very long to me

but because of you the distance was never a matter

instead i often hope that the road could be longer so that we can spend more time together

holding your hand longer

looking at your face your smile longer

enjoying your companion longer

now i'm back alone, all by myself again

it seems like forever to walk home

it seriously sucks not having you by my side

i know i must get used to it, i guess i was too dependent on you in the past

that's why it's taking me so long to get over you

after 2 months of 2 people's happiness, i need to start searching for one person's happiness again.

why bring me up so high and end up throwing me down so deep

i never knew i could love someone so much until you came by and steal my heart away

like my sister say, this must be karma

i used to hurt others in relationships, the evil one that breaks people's heart

that's why now this is happening to me, i got ditched and hurt so deeply.

just 2 short months and there's like so many memories between us

all the memories are like scars on my heart

everytime i pass by one it'll be like pouring salt on my wound

the pain you inflict on me, never healing.

after so long we finally talked today

your attitude finally changed

you finally smiled when you talk to me

but as typical human's heart, i don't know if i should be happy or not?

since i've always wanted to remain as friends with you after we broke up

so isn't this what i wanted?

why am i still feeling so hurt deep down?

i really don't know what am i still expecting from you

it's been 1 month and 12days already

what can i still ask from you?

you should have long gotten over me since i'm nothing to you

don't tell me i'm still hoping that you still love me and that you will still want me back now

when i saw the way you can talk to me and not avoid me anymore, i believe you must have let go and move on already.

that's why you can talk to me normally now

we are truely friends now

this is what i wanted

friends

me and you, FRIENDS

NO THAT'S NOT WHAT MY HEART TRUELY WISH FOR!

i've always hope that we would still have the chance to get back together even up till now

even if i know in the end we would still break up at least i would be able to be happy for a few more months.

baby do you know when i saw you and talked to you today

i feel like a stranger already

there's so much changes about you and your life that i didn't know

all these are the little things that i would love to know

when i saw your new wallet today i wanted so much to ask you what did you do to our polariod photo that was once in your old wallet.

did you throw it away like how you threw our ring away?

everytime i think of where our ring is now, my tears would just start to dwell in my eyes again.

i can't help it that's my only regret

why did i leave my ring at your house

if only i remembered to wear it back before we leave house for our last date at bishan j8

with baby yaya.

i would be able to keep my most precious memory.

the ring is like the best thing you ever gave me

it's not about the price the looks or whatever but the promise and meaning behind it.

everytime i think of that i really don't understand how can a person's heart change so fast

without any warning?

unless you're telling me that everything that you once told me are fake

forget it, i don't wanna know

even if it's fake please don't let me know

you've already take away my happiness and future

please don't take away my precious memories as well

haha i didn't know i can still cry until like that up till now

i didn't know i have so much tears categorized under haroy soh

and i wonder how much more is left?

i got to start to pyscho myself to give up again

the first few weeks i really managed to somehow convinced myself to give up

you'll never return to me anymore

and i don't know since when my hopes came back to me

giving me the courage to fight for my own happiness again

although i know there won't be any changes

i guess i'm hoping for a miracle?

i actually made a wish yesterday night when i saw my phone time 11.11

i heard that you can make a wish if you see 11.11 and it'll come true

i'm so excited when i saw that yesterday

i hope my wish would really come true

i could really use a miracle now

sadly, i still love you baby

ps: baby, you look really cute with specs(:

it's been sometime since i blog again.

that's a good thing though

it means that this few days i'm alright

but today i'm back to blog again

thanks to shane lim, thanks to her constant reminder of how lonely it is to be alone

kept boasting to me how 幸福 she is with her abe tan

how i don't have someone to love me anymore

how i don't have someone to ask me to be careful when it's raining anymore

how i don't have a boyfriend to cook 爱心早餐 for me anymore

how it sucks to not have the person you love beside you anymore.

although i know she's just kidding, she mean no harm

but it really sets me thinking again

making me miss you again

thinking about our past

though it's only 2 months

remember that time when you cooked fried rice for me for the first time

and you actually cut your finger

it bled so much, make me so 心痛

and on the first day of school when you came and fetch me at woodlands back to your house

it started raining when we reach sembawang and both of us have no umbrella

so you cover me with my cardigan and we ran to your house haha

at that moment i really feel very blissed

i bet you don't know

but now it won't happen anymore

i'm all by myself now

no one to do that to me anymore

no one to protect me anymore

no one for me to love anymore

it's been 36days already, one month and 6days.

i know it's long over between us, i told myself to give up already since one week after our breakup.

i tried, i really tried to do it.

but everytime i see those things that we've done together before or things that you like

it just brings back all those sweet memories which make it so hard to let you go.

it's been 3 weeks since i last saw you

until saturday when i see you at work

you look so different already

you cut your hair again

and you seems like your lost weight, is it because of your wisdom tooth?

i keep having the urge to talk to you at work but i don't have the guts to do it

actually i know i should have gave up long ago and move on

candy always ask me the same question everytime she sees me.

candy would ask, so how you and him? patch back yet?

and everytime i would answer her the same thing as well

how i wish i could have a different answer too

but what else does she expect?

i always tell her nope, no chance de la, it's already been so long, we won't get back together anymore.

then she'll say, it's only one month how you know no chance already?

like what you want me to do?

but everytime i hear that i would somehow feel hope again

stop giving me false hope!

i know it's over it's over it's over!

i'm already trying so hard to get used to this fact now

don't give me anymore hope

baby your sudden message that day did the same thing.

i realised that message really set a great impact on me

but after the short text message conversation after work that day

i think alot and i made up my mind

i cannot text you anymore

i cannot contact you anymore

i really have to refrain from talking to you already

no matter how much i want to.

if not i'll never get out of this pain

although i really don't bear to lose contact with you

but i really cannot continue like that

i will still have to move on with my life

but no matter what you'll still live in my memories

i'll leave with the memories you gave me

i never hated you for leaving me

instead, i'm lucky at least i had you in my life before

and thanks to you, i have so many happy memories

at least i was really happy for that 2 months

thank you baby.

although the people around kept telling me how bastard you are and stuffs

but that's because they never saw the good side of you

they'll never understand how i feel for you

男人的好只有在他身边的那个女人才知道

而我曾经当过你身边的那个女人, 所以我知道.

也只有我明白你的好,你真的是一个好男朋友.

所以你那时说的那个理由根本就是你想太多

你没有不好, 是我没有福气做你身边的那个女人

我真的很爱你

你说我对你太好所以压力,我也只是想对我爱的人好一点

因为失去过所以知道要珍惜

因为不想再失去所以对你加倍的好,却没想到却也因为这个原因让我再次失去你.

但我知道这次已经不像上次那样了, 我们真的结束了.

因为爱你,我会放你走.

再见了我的爱人

再见我的爱

haroy soh yu shi