30th july

our supposedly happy 3rd month haroy soh

well this day started off in a good way i guess, somehow

when i just woke up this afternoon i saw your message

i'm super shocked when i saw it

1 new message

haroy starhub

1.38pm

the moment i saw it i'm totally awake

i don't remember smsing you

after reading your message, i really don't know how to think

it's like a mixture of feelings

really happy that you actually bothered to clarify and explain to me.

but on the other hand it means you read my blog already

i really didn't expect you to do that

which means you knew everything that i feel inside

how am i supposed to reply your message now

i've been thinking the whole day

i really want to reply you badly

but i just can't think of the perfect reply

what should i reply?

should i act blur like huh?

or should i say oh you read my blog, sorry i mistaken you.

i don't dare! i seriously don't dare to reply you!!

what if the wrong reply make you pissed off and push you further away from me again?

i didn't ignore you on purpose my dear

you know i'll never do that to you

because you taught me 将心比心

if i were you, after sending that message to you, i would definitely hope that you'll reply

although i don't know if you're waiting for my reply

like the way i think you will if i were you

but i doubt so.

yesterday i met a weird person under my block

he's really very scary kept talking to me

those kind like not in the right mind

he seriously freak me out when we took the lift together

at that moment i thought of you

if only you were here with me

i know everything would be fine, you will definitely protect me, keep me safe.

i wanted to call you but i know you won't answer my calls anymore.

even if i really called and you answered

i don't think i'll dare to tell you, if i were to hear that cold voice of yours at that moment i'll definitely break down

with that thought in mind, i put down the phone.

baby, i really dread this day

everytime i see the date today, it just makes me feel very sad

i went swimming with hanhan today

in the past if you know that i went swimming you should be very glad

i went to exercise! haha

and after swimming i would report to you immediately, feeling proud of myself!

and if it's today, i believe the person swimming with me would not be hanhan

it should be you instead.

remember we were talking about going swimming together one day?

we have not done that

and we'll never get to do that now

there's so many things that we have yet done together.

but i'll never get the chance to do it anymore

today is supposedly a day worth celebrating for

but from now on it's such a torture to even think about the date.

all the hurt happened on this date

30/05 is the first time

followed by 30/06

now one more month had pass, yet it's no better.

baby i think this 30th is a bad day to get together!

maybe we should have waited like one more day make it the 31st instead

hahaha

today's blog is not exactly that sad

because at least i have one message that seriously made my day

i kept reading that message every now and then today

the thought that you actually bothered to explain things to me really made me smile(:

thank you baby

seriously, thank you for doing that!

2 more days to our supposedly 3rd month anniversary

i really don't know what i'm thinking about this few days

it seems like i'm starting to harbor hope for you again

based on what, i have no idea!

i should have gave you up already

seriously

but instead, i've been messaging you more and more often recently

thinking of you more and more

what was i expecting? you to still have feelings for me?

i should have known right, nothing is left for me

you might already have a new girl in your life.

the one that you went for dinner with

jaime macthierman

i might be over sensitive, she might just be a normal friend

but your comment just now just made me break down

Haroy 于溮

Evil Jaime. Lol. 2 more yr your turn.

i don't know why, to others it might be just another comment but it just feels very different to me, she don't seem like just a friend to you, more like someone you're interested in.

who knows she may be the new girl in your life

but so what even if that's the case i can't do anything

i don't have the rights to be jealous or stop you or what

there's nothing i can do

you're not mine anymore, haroy soh no longer belongs to cherie lim.

and that's full stop. final.

you have all the rights to find a new girl to take my place

but why do my heart still hurt so much?

it's been 29days since our breakup

it seems like it's really quite some time since we're both single

but why can't i get over yet?

this is like the longest time i took to heal from a heartache

and i don't know how long more i need to reach the stage where i won't be sad whenever i think of you.

我不是你想象中的那么勇敢

i'm still very easily affected by every little thing you do

it could make my mind run wild

i'm like going crazy man! having constant mood swing

one minute i can be very happy but the next minute i thought of you again i'll be damn sad

sometimes i feel very bad when i'm out with my friends

like i'm always the mood spoiler

i really don't want it to happen but i can't help it.

baby, i really miss that joker side of you.

forever making me laugh, forever so cute

maybe that is why that little comment affected me that much

that used to be how you talk to me a month ago

but now your attitude seems so cold

it hurts everytime i message you

however i'm like an idiot, even though i know i shouldn't do this it'll hurt me if i text you

but i just can't imagine myself not in contact with you anymore

so i rather hurt myself then to lose contact with you.

i really don't know what to do now

i can't imagine seeing you holding another girl's hand

i can't imagine you attached to another person

there's so many things that i know i should do

so many facts that i know

but i don't know how to convince my heart to do what i know

i can't bring myself to take out our photo from my wallet yet

everytime i open my wallet to take a card i'll see our smiling faces, how 幸福 we used to be

my sisters kept asking me to take it out

it's time to change already

but i really don't bear to do that

i already lose our ring

the ring that symbolizes our love, our relationship

although these are very superficial things but to me they are very significant things

they are like a form of assurance to me.

if i were to take out the photo it seriously marks the end to our connection

which i really don't want that to happen

the day i take the photo out will be the day i really gave you up and move on.

if all these did not happen, i would have been happily thinking of what to do on wednesday

what to wear on that day

where to go

busy designing and writing my card

preparing surprises

but all these won't happen anymore

there won't be a day for me to look forward to every month now

this thought really saddens me

i really had enough of washing my face with tears because of you my dear

what spell did you cast on me?

that made me fell so deeply in love with you

so much so that i find it so difficult to not have you by my side.

i know it's tough on you now because of that two wisdom tooth.

do you know how much i want to go to your house now to take care of you

to help you change your cotton bud every now and then

do whatever i can to make you feel better

but i don't get the chance to do that anymore

the one person's concern that you want should not be me anymore.

tonight's gonna be a long torturous night again.

tomorrow night i'm going to stay over at hanhan's house

so i guess it would be much better

can't wait for that to happen

alright, i shall stop here

feel much better after crying my heart out and writing everything i feel.

i miss you baby

yesterday i heard the saddest thing in my life

ME: will you be at home today?

HIM: no, out with friends

ME: cannot talk still can go out arh? anyway i want my ring! is it still with you?

HIM: i think, no

ME: you threw it away?

HIM: ya lol

' ya lol ' what the hell?! how could he, seriously why did he do that?

baby, even if you don't love me anymore but do you have to go to that extent?

do you know how much it hurts me when i know that?

don't you think you went overboard?

seriously, that ring meant alot to me do you know?

i know it mean nothing to you now, but it used to be my everything.

it contains all the promises you gave me, it once represent your love for me and how you were once mine even though it doesn't exist now. no matter what you shouldn't have threw it away

you gave it to me, it's mine already

how could you throw away my things without my permission?

i really hope you are lying this time

cause i really don't wish to see something i treasure so much ending up in the rubbish bin.

even if that's the case, if i knew where i can find it back i'll definitely get it back at any cost

i know you have got over everything and moved on

i shouldn't disturb your life anymore

but i can't help it

sorry baby

tonight i'm going out with another guy

i really don't wanna have another guy, cause i know nobody can replace you in my heart

at least for now, you're still my everything

there's no space in my heart for anyone else

i want nobody but you

but i also know that no matter what time wouldn't turn back for me

so this will never happen, i have to move on as well

so i'm going to prepare now

prepare myself for another guy

having this thought in mind i really don't know how to do it

i wonder how you actually do it?

how come you can get over so quickly and go out with another girl.

i really don't understand

do you still love me when we broke up?

is it really because of all those stress that you are facing that's why we broke up or just purely because you don't love me anymore and you are sick of me, time to get a new one.

i really wanna hear all these from you

when will you ever tell me?

when are you going to stop hiding from me haroy soh?

today i went to kbox @ amk with joey shaney and hilary

it's the outlet which we went to celebrate your birthday this year

so many memories flashed back in my mind today.

when i'm the cab there looking out at the sceneries and roads it reminds me of you as well

we've drive pass this place before

2 months back we were so happily in love

happily singing songs in the van commenting on all the little things we saw on the road

laughing together, searching for the right way there.

i really miss you baby!

i thought i've been doing a very good job recently, everybody around me have been telling me that i look very happy, seems like i'm not that sad over you afterall.

i thought so too

but when i reached home today i realised i can't do anything properly

i seriously have no mood at all

i hate it when i can't sleep even though i freaking tired

these are signs of you invading my mind!

everytime i think of you, whenever i'm missing you can't get to sleep at all

since the breakup i don't have the courage to look at our photos in the past

all your messages

but today when i'm on the way home, i finally found the courage to do so

do you know how much i wanted to alight at sembawang when i passed by the stop just now?

i really miss you so badly, but i know that nothing's gonna change anymore

who know's you already found someone new

darling i really wanna be back in your arms, in your heart

how could someone change so fast?

i really can't believe it

2 months ago you were so sweet and everything but now you could be so cold towards me

when can i totally let go of you and move on?

i really don't know

but if i have a chance to choose to be with you for a longer time but get hurt even more when we broke up eventually i would choose that!

it's been 23days since we broke up already

but whenever i think back everything still seems like yesterday.

all those sweet nothings

till now i'm just left with those memories

like an empty shell

from now on i'm alone, there won't be a haroy soh here to hold my hands

there won't a haroy soh to hug me when i needed

i'm left with nothing

tears just kept rolling down my cheeks

it's been some time since i last cried so hard for you

so much so that i thought i'm really that strong, that maybe i could really live without you in my life

but today i guess there's just too many things that reminds me of you

that triggered this emotional outburst

especially at night when nobody's at home

do you know how lonely i feel, do you know how much i need you by my side now

even if it's just your voice

i really wanna hear the voice that ask told me he loved me, the voice that promised that he'll never break my heart ever, the voice that promised to give me happiness.

but i'll hear that gentle voice anymore

although recently there's alot of guys beside me, so many new guys that wanted to date me

but you know, there's only one person that i want

can i trade all of them just for you, haroy soh yu shi?

my heart still belongs to you

remember the song that you used to sing to me?

' nothing's gonna change my love for you, you ought to know by now how much i love you.

one thing you can be sure of, i'll never ask for more than your love...'

i can't listen to this song anymore do you know

this is like the one of the songs that will create the most pain.

today i heard this song, pass by your station, went to the kbox outlet that we went before in the past, walked by amk hub where we dated there before...

so many bitter sweet memories came back

baby, i still love you

baby i miss you dearly

baby can i still wait for you to come back?

人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情怎么会是这个结果
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说NO
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

i really don't understand this!

and THIS totally spoiled my mood for today

i thought family members are supposed to stand by you no matter what happen

hoping that you are happy all the time?

true enough when i was sad over him, when i cried at home over him

they are there to comfort me

telling me it's not worth to be sad over such a guy

i'm very thankful for that

19days have passed

this few days i'm feeling slightly better

i knew someone that's keeping my mind of him, a friend that's keeping me entertained

making me happy when i'm thinking of sad stuffs

thus i'm more smiley now

when they see me like this shouldn't they be happy that i've found my way to be happy?

but i'm wrong!

when they saw me like that, they actually thought that me being so sad over him all these while was just an act, everything's fake, i'm actually happier being single.

i hate such accusations!

so what exactly do you want? how long do you want me to cry?

how long do you want me to be emo?

when i cry you say i'm stupid to cry over him, cheer up there's always a better guy waiting for you out there.

but when i'm finally feeling better, you say i'm just putting up a show that i'm sad over him.

damn it man!

Recently so many things have happened

good and bad

but this month is certainly not a good one for me.

i wonder how long more i'll need to finally get over him

to the point when i think of him i'll not be sad

我一定能学会在想你的时候 不难过

this few days i found out some stuffs that really hurt my heart

something that i really never thought of

something that i refuse to believe initially

although till now if i have a choice i would still rather not know

but it seems like i really have to face the reality, the ugly truth

the fact that he haven't forgot his 4years ex all this while even when we're together

baby, remember we talked about this before?

you assured me that she's no longer in your heart and there's only me now.

but it seems like the other way round now.

i feel so dumb to be crying over you now, why must you lie to me?

whenever i think of the fact that here i am crying over you, yet there you are feeling sad over another girl, it just gives me a very betrayed feeling.

do you know how i felt when i saw your conversation with your friend?

you said you were hurt by a girl before, others won't understand your feelings and how hurt you felt back then.

that's why it's like only right that you play with girls now

so am i like one of your victims too?

just your toy to play with when you're bored and when you're sick of it you can just throw me away?

have you ever thought about how others feel when you're doing this?

all you care about is your own feelings, how hurt and betrayed you once felt because of her.

you know how bad it hurts yet you still inflict that same pain on others

what have i done to deserve this?

you use to tell me 将心比心

but have you done that this time?

i really don't wanna hate you, i want to save your perfect image in my heart

and not this bastard you understand?

i really wanna know exactly what's the truth

although it may be meaningless now to you, but i really wanna know

but i doubt this will ever happen, can you not avoid me!

i hate you for doing that

i told myself, i don't wanna drop a single tear for you anymore

i don't wanna feel sad over a bastard like you anymore but do you know how hard it is.

是你找到了我
在我的心中刻下了你的承诺
难道你不遵守
思念纠缠着我
闭上眼我就忘了恨你的理由
想起那些温柔
你为什么放开我的双手
我试着体会生命充满各种苦衷
我在黑暗之中寻找幸福的下落
等待原来那颗流星划过我的天空
总要在说完再见以后才开始明白爱多浓
今晚你想念的人是不是我
因为绝望所以学会祈求
我也不想让心痛对我予取予求
想要爱到最后的最后
想要和你再一次牵手
除非我背叛我的灵魂
除非我可以假装快乐
除非你忍心放我一个人难过
一无所有我的天空
等你回头
我想念的人会不会懂