HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERIE (:

today i'm seriously damn damn HAPPY!!

this year's birthday had been an awesome one!

i'm really touched, really really touched.

i really didn't expect so much

and because of that, it made things even better when it happens!

i love you all!

i believe i don't need to list out the details

let the pictures do the narrating, it should be very clear and detailed(:

but before that i would like to give me thank youS speech first,

alright, alphabetical order then(:

derrick: chan jianhao! seriously i didn't expect you to do so much for me, i feel so important to you for once hahahaha! i've always thought that you were the kind that doesn't care about anything other then your games, but this time you actually did so much for me!

i'm really super super gan dong la, from the planning part to the practising part to the final surprise, everything touched my little heart. you know what? when i heard that you actually practise how to cook before hand so as to ensure it's nice, that action is like so so so sweet can! awww, derrick feel like giving you a big hug! love you to the max!

joan : baobei!! i'm really super sad that you weren't here ): i thought it was fake that you have to go malaysia and that you'll be my surprise! who knows it's actually real, how i wish you could be with us, it would be extra fun with you around! i miss you so much ): you promise you're gonna make it up to me oh! i'll be waiting for you to come back! and and and that designer's clothing is really damn "pretty" de la! thanks alot arh! but i heard from jill all your effort behind the scene, i knew you love me although we don't often meet up, sisters aren't sisters for nothing(: I LOVE YOU! HURRY COME BACK(:

jill: DEARIE!! my boyfie too! thanks for planning and putting in so much time and effort for my birthday everytime, i promise i'll make your twice as suprise and of course twice the sweet revenge! HAHAHA without you i doubt there'll be such a surprise! setting up an event page planning everything soooooo ahead making sure it works, you seriously showed me something, friends are better then anyone else, sisters are even better! you're the best lessie ever!! you did it, thanks for being there for me whenever i needed some light, thanks for bringing some sparks to light up my life, I LOVE YOU(:

junjie: sister? brother? i really don't know hahahaha! boyfriend, you really rock! thanks for skipping training just to celebrate my birthday with me, from sec school till now, although you often bully me but i know that's just for fun, you're really a super good friend can? helping me whenever i needed, taking care of me, accompanying me, being a clown to entertain me LOL i still remember you peeling prawn for me during prom! hahaha yes yes it super long ago already but yea, i still think that's very sweet of you, I LUB LUB YOU(:

mervin: hello hello! hahahaha although we might not be that close even though we are primary school friends plus secondary school friends, lol sounds so funny but thanks taking time to celebrate my birthday with me and cooking all those pretty pretty food for meeeee! thank you for sending me home just now too heeesXD! I LOVE YOU(:

munkit: munkit twist! you really very cute hahaha! you arh, never talk look so quiet but when you open your mouth LOL seriously damn joker, thanks for bringing so much laughter to my life! and and and i know you put in alot of effort to prepare those food, taking initiative to offer help, i'm really shocked when i heard that you all stay over at rachel's house and stayed up the whole night just to prepare the food for me, i'm really touched by that. thank you so so so much for everything! I LOVE YOU(:

rachel: DARLING! sorry for scolding you just now, i really thought you don't care me le mah, my birthday still go training till so late, that's why a little bit pekcek, a little bit only la. LOL but i know you've always love me, cause i'm your favourite sister right? oops! HAHAHAH thanks darling for skipping training and letting them stayover at your house and mess up your kitchen to prepare those food. thanks for doing sooooo much for me, scolding bastards with me when i'm sad, laughing with me when i'm happy, being 24/7 for me whenever i need you. i know i can count on you whenever i need a shoulder to lean on or a person to talk to. I LOVE YOU DARLING(:

weishen: hello brother! although you might not have done much behind the scene, but i still appreciate you for being here, taking time just to celebrate my birthday with me! thanks for nagging me at times to make me understand the fact of some stuffs, like what a mummy would do HAHAHA! but yea, you're a great friend and a good brother! I LOVE YOU(:

wiley: wiley wiley wiley sam! sorry for making you wait for soooooo long today! i know it's very irritating to wait so long, sorry sorry sorry la! don't angry le okay? i know you won't heeheeheeXD! anyway, though you not very man, don't wanna help me take things but i'm still very very happy to see you today! thanks for putting in so much effort to make this birthday celebration for me! we might not be the bestest friend yet, but we're still the goodest friend! HAHAHA! thanks for being my goodest friend, i can accompany you watch sleeping beauty some time soon(: I LOVE YOU!

all in all, THANK YOU EVERYBODY!! without any one of you, it wouldn't have been perfect!

i love you guys!

i kept singing this song i gotta feeling by black eyed peas today.

and really the lyrics came true.

" i got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good good night!"

Indeed, tonight in fact the whole day had been a good day!

I seriously enjoyed myself to the max today man!

it's been some time since i laughed and enjoyed like this

i'm really happy from the bottom of my heart.

thank you every single one of you dearies.

without you, i would not have laughed so hard!

starting from my sem1 clique, hanhan, bel, diana and kenny!

thanks for the bearbear and steamboat dinner at chongqing huo guo(:

i really love the meaning behind the bear and will cherish it dearly

just a simple dinner with you guys is already damn fun.

you all never fails to bring laughter whenever i'm with you all

although the environment of the place was kinda eeeky with those little cockroaches running around, urgh! but it was still a bear-ly fun dinner!

KENNY: thanks for peeling the prawns and taking food for us, well that's for being the only guy with us teeheeXD!

EZABEL: thanks for being sooo cute and the wish in the bear you made for me, it wouldn't have been perfect without you my dear and stop thinking that i love hanhan more than you, i love you equally much alright?

DIANA: thanks for the cutesy bear bear and the constant concern about my studies and everything about me, that's really sweet(:

HANHAN: my dearest SSOS, thanks for your love and also the wish you've made just for me, although i don't know what the wish is but i'm sure i'll be super touched if i know it,thanks for being there all the time and putting up with my nonsense and crap hahaha!

after that met up with irvin, weizhi and jill

an unexpected sweet surprise is gonna unfold

stay tune for part 2(:

ps: sorry justin! i'm really super tired le, so can't finish typing will do so tmr(:

sorry sorry!

HOME ALONE DAY 3

i had a bad night yesterday ):

keep imagining things, scared by all those little noises at night

totally can't sleep properly la!

alone at night in such a big house with no lights on is really scary man
i don't wanna stay home alone again!

anyway, this time round i actually tried cooking things that i've never tried before

and all taste awesome! hahaha

yesterday i cooked roti prata with scramble egg & cheese for lunch

*yum yum*

then at night i went to meet darling zhen and jill for dinner at lot1.

today i cooked porridge and some sinful but linger lick'in good side dish

hahaha!

first time trying to a meal for myself other then maggie mee

hmm, i would say it's quite successful ^^

i really don't know how much rice should i take for myself

then i water, how much water must i add to make it into a porridge?

super lots of stuffs to decide la

but in the end i also anyhow add de

luckily, it's still edible

so not too bad for a first timer i guess?

heeesXD!

ps: i love you

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEIMEI(:

hope you enjoyed yourself today, i know i know the flowers very pretty right?

i'll remember your silly face when you saw the flowers

today should be the first time you received a bouquet

look at how touch you are haha

anyway, sorry i can't accompany you to genting to celebrate your birthday

will bring you out with dajie when you come back(:

4 lonely days, 3 scary nights to survive alone at home

):

ps: i still love you, ethan tan

You said goodbye

I fell apart

I fell from all we had

To I never knew

I needed you so bad

You need to let things go

I know, you told me so

I've been through hell

To break the spell

Why did I ever let you slip away

Can't stand another day without you

Without the feeling

I once knew

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

I cry

Cause you're not here with me

I cry

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If you could see me now

You would know just how

How hard I try

Not to wonder why

I wish I could believe in something new

Oh please somebody tell me it's not true (oh girl)

I'll never be over you

Why did I ever let you slip away

Can't stand another day without you

Without the feeling

I once knew

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

I cry

Cause you're not here with me

I cry

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If I could have you back tomorrow

If I could lose the pain and sorrow

I would do just anything

To make you see

You still love me

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

I cry

Cause you're not here with me

I cry

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

ps: i love you

today was a buzzy bee day!

so many things to do to keep me occupied

marketing UT sucks big time!

i wasted 6 marks due to the time constrains

i didn't manage to finish the full paper, so saddening ):

late for class as usual

really gotta get rid of this super bad habit

a few faci has been commenting on me coming in late for class which is a negative impression for them, awwww~

anyway, met jill and intro her to my new classmate jessica

hahaha random

but yea, we trained down together and it's good to see my friend and my sister clicking well

at least it's not that awkward.

went all the way down to aljunied just for a half an hour training about some stupid windows mobile thingy that we have to promote starting from this week.

hope this new working environment wouldn't be so bad

i'll be at causeway point's singtel shop this sunday and probably next week if i'm free.

today, i thought of you again.

some good, some bad

when i was walking to causeway after school today i met mingyang

the first thing he asked me when he saw me was,

" where's ethan? "

i was like sighing in my heart, i wished i know it too

so i said," i don't know "

he replied, " huh! how can you not know? he's your boyfriend leh! "

* putting salt on my wound *

" we broke up le " i said softly

" huh? "

" WE BROKE UP LE LA!! " and i stared at him

" oh, sorry sorry "

when he said sorry, i was kinda sad too

like he's pitying me for my sorry plight, what the hell

everybody was shocked to hear that

but do they know that their reactions starts to irritate me already

initially, i was yea, super upset

then slowly slowly, immune

and finally, yes yes yes, that's a fact that i don't wanna accept too but blahblahblah

like i know it's so sudden, but it's not like i wanted it right?, i'm trying to accept it here

so help me with it alright?

today when i'm walking home, i thought of you again.

i don't know why i keep doing things that i know it's definitely hurt myself

my sisters told me not to contact you anymore

but i just can't bring myself to do it

i know i shouldn't call you, but i still did anyway

everyday you'd gave me a new reason not to be happy

it's not entirely your fault, i took it too hard

sorry to make you look like the bad guy

but your words, your speed of getting used to things, i just can't accept that

it's not a bad thing, it's just my own problem

do you know how much courage i took to call you everytime

i feel like a clown entertaining myself, talking to myself, pretending that nothing's wrong

today i asked you, do you feel that you have nothing to talk to me?

and you replied, yes kind of

can you imagine how pain your words are?

you make me feel like i'm talking to a stranger

so what's the meaning of this?

your love ended when we broke up?

you said that you're not that heartless person that i thought you are

but your words, your actions just don't look like you are in pain

maybe you can hide your feelings well i don't know

i don't wanna regret starting this relationship

i wanted this to be the best relationship i have and i've always thought it would be

are my relationship cursed?

a curse that all my relationships cannot go pass 3months

i'm afraid to step into a relationship now

i'm sorry to still have expectations for you

when i know i can't have anymore

the higher the expectations, the more disappointed you'll get if it didn't happen

that's exactly what i'm doing

hoping that one day when i talk to you, you'd say you still love me

and that it hurts you as much as i do

that's why it hurts so much when i talk to you everyday

i'm disappointed everyday

maybe one day when i really no longer have hopes

your life would be easier

sorry for everything

ps: i love you

today i think i can give myself 50marks

i'm feeling quite alright today, especially when i'm with jill

she totally took my mind of this matter

i was busy introducing all the nice food in our school, discussing about our pay, finding joy in every little thing we saw, like the leaves that's clapping

HAHAHA that's really very funny la!

should have taken a picture of it

BUT

before i met jill or belbel or diana

when i was sitting alone at that little corner that i found that would be my new hiding place,

i saw the powerpoint that i made for him for our second month

looking through the slides, all the memories came back

flashing like a movie in my mind

a sudden gush of sadness overwhelmed me once again

but suddenly i saw bel and diana so i held back my tears

lucky they came in time, if not i would have thought of more and more things and those bad emotions would come back again

i don't like them, stealing my sun and filled my world with dark clouds and thunderstorm

my feelings are just like the weather recently

sometimes, the sun would shine brightly but the next minute lightning and thunder

are they a reflection of my feelings?

but anyway, i think i'm a very good girl today

i haven't really cried today

i tried so hard not to think about you

and it helps

i've only thought of you twice today

once in the morning and once when i'm walking home at night.

everyday i would want to call you badly, when i know that would only make me feel worst

but today i did great, not only did i refrain myself from calling you names that i used to call you

dear, darling, baobei, honey, baby, dardar, sweetheart

a lot of times, i almost called wrongly

ethan tan ethan tan ethan tan ethan tan X1000000

i must get used to this

today i told myself, i have to get rid of all the habits that i'm used too

i'm too reliant on you in the past, that made me so difficult to get used to life without you

no one to accompany me when i needed it

no one for me to sajiao to

no one for me to call or sms whenever i feel like it

you made me realised that i'm not alone and that i can rely on you, but now when i'm 100% reliant on you, you are not there for me anymore.

i'm just kinda disappointed

but as long as i can get over this

and get used to my single life and be independent again, i should be fine

but god knows how long it'll take for me to be independent

No matter what i must continue what i did today and not think so much

taking things easy and keep myself occupied at all times

maybe working would be a good idea though it's very tiring and time consuming

but maybe that's exactly what i need.

today is the 4th day since we broke up

i still miss you

i still love you

my dear

ps: i love you

baby, what's the use of saying sorry when it doesn't help

sorry is not what i wanna hear

how i wish there's such a pill in the world that could make me forget everything

so that there won't be so much pain

so that i would not have to cry my eyes out everynight

why is the world so cruel

why does things have to turn out this way

today i thought i'm alright, i feel okay today

maybe we talked yesterday night and i made everything easier for us both

but when we are at the popular today

i realised how wrong i was

everything was fake

i'm lying to myself this whole time, i actually lied to myself that nothing changed

in my mind, we are still together, you are still mine

maybe that's how i made myself feel better in a way

pretending that nothing happened

we are still happily together

But the moment that you let me hand go and walk away, i was awake

that was when i realised i was dreaming

i looked up and saw this book title saying ' when everything has changed '

it feels like every little thing out there is reminding me the fact that we have broken up

there's no chance that we can get back together again

and i hate that

why am i in the real world, i don't want this

why can't there be a fairytale where i can go to, where it's free of sadness and pain

i've never felt this way before, i've never cried so hard for a person

it hurts more then the physical pain when mummy canes me

but at least i can put medicine to let it heal

but what about this?

can somebody give me some pain killer or anesthesia

so that it won't hurt so much

let it numb, i don't wanna feel anything

everyday there would be so many people coming to ask if i'm alright

i would smile and say i'm alright don't worry

but i'm not

i wanted so much to shout out that I'M NOT OKAY!

but so what if i'm not, who can help me?

nobody.

so what's the use of asking when there's nothing you can do

i'm not blaming anyone, sorry but i'm just upset

i just want to vent all my emotions

i'm tired, so tired of all these

i'm tired of spending all my time alone, without you by my side

i don't want anybody else

we still have this one last date

one last day of going out as a couple

to finish all the things that we've yet done

after today when you tell me that we can never be together again even without the status

all my hopes were dashed

now i understand what's the meaning of the higher you hope, the greater the disappointment

i learnt my lesson, i cannot have any hope anymore

so that i won't get disappointed no more

i know it would be even more tough for me to get over you after this last date.

but i know if i don't go, i'll regret it more then anything else

just let the pain come then

let's see how much pain i can take before i finally break down.

i really don't understand how you get used to it so quickly

when everything happened so sudden

why so i feel like i am the only one suffering

that i'm the one that is holding you back from being happy

i want you to be happy

but it's so difficult to put on a brave front in front of you

i wonder how long will it take to fully heal my heart

it's especially difficult to handle at night when i'm alone

when i'm in school, i can't cry, i cannot let my classmates see me this way

when i'm at home, i can't let my family see me cry, i don't want them to be worried

but when i'm at home when my mind is not occupied with anything, the wave of sadness comes more frequent, and it's very tough to cry and not let them see.

many times, my mum or sisters would come in when i'm crying then i'll have to turn away immediately and pretend that i'm alright

why do i have to face all this

is there a place where i can let go of all my emotions and not have to care about anything?

i guess this would be the place where i'll pour my sorrows everyday

i'm all worned out now

gotta find something else to occupy myself

to you: i'll be alright, don't worry

ps: i love you

I remembered just 2 post ago, i was saying to mark the start of me blogging again

i shall post a happy news which was the start of our relationship.

who knows, just the third post i'm going to blog about the end of our relationship.

i didn't expect myself to take it so hard

i thought i'll be able to cope with it

i didn't feel any pain when i saw your sms, saying that you've decided to stay in church and to let me go, until the point when you talked to me in msn

did i realised the changes, the difference now

the way you talk to me,

the name that i'm calling you,

the one that send me morning sms,

the one that talked to me everynight,

the one that gave me tissue when i'm crying,

the one that i look for everyday,

the one that held my hand,

the one that hugged me when i needed warmth,

the one that kissed me softly,

the one that looked me in the eye and tell me that you loved me,

the one that i loved so much,

is no longer mine, no more

no matter how unwilling i am to let you go,

i know i have to

you've already made your decision and i respect that

you gave me the choice but i let you go.

remember you asked me if i were to be alittle bit more selfish will i make the same decision

truthfully, no i will not

but it doesn't matter anymore

you made me clear of something, promises are meant to be broken

words are meant to be said for fun

nothing is forever

initially, i was seriously heart broken, when i called you last night everything that you said pierced through my heart

my heart bled while my tears run dry

every single word just further proved that what you told me in the past are just a pack of lies

how much i wanted to believe that you truely meant what you've said and that you

really didn't want this to happen

but when you told me you are over the state of sadness

and that even if i asked you to leave church you would not do so

i seriously don't know how to trust you again

so much so for the love you had for me

why did things have to turn out this way?

after hours of thinking crying my heart out,

i decided that i've done all i can and that i'm not going to cry for you anymore

you said that you don't want me to say such things to you anymore

but what's the meaning of asking someone else to take over what was once your job

calling me in the morning to ask me to go to school

asking others about me, checking if i'm alright

caring about me when i can't do so

when i heard that you done this for me, how am i supposed to let go?

everything just happened too quickly,

it's not like we don't love each other anymore, it's not that one of us did something wrong to end up in this state

but now, i can only accept this cold hard truth that it's over.

goodbye my babyboy

so long my luckless romance

can't believe what i feel is real

feelings that's hard to conceal

i would hold you in my arms if you were mine forevermore

you and i, i never thought i'd fall for you

the best thing underneath the twinkling stars

my heart desires to be close to you

so you can take my hand and embrace me now

minimizing all my fears and i knowthat all my doubts will disappear

there's nothing to conceal

it's real

it hurts, but it'll heal one day

ps: i love you