day one without love

well i guess the first day is always the most difficult day?

no actually it should be when i first heard the news, that night was totally torturous!

i couldn't get any sleep till like morning 5plus?

it's just too much for me to accept

i can't close my eyes without seeing your face and that scene is so heart wrenching.

and to top it off, it was our second month.

thinking back, feels so contradicting when i said happy second month baby!

it was like a total opposite? hais T.T

well the official first day, i woke up around 2:30 in the afternoon.

i think i was awaken by some negative thoughts?

i can't remember exactly what, all i remember is i woke up feeling very very sad

and all that's going through my mind is that he can't be around for me anymore for a long long god damn LONG TIME!!!

and that thought is seriously killing me!

sorry it's not a thought, it's a F.A.C.T

@#$?!*&!@!#!@$(!@#$!

wtf why am i so unlucky?!

but i love him too much to let go off him now, i really hope i can survive that one year with the same feelings for him

anyway, i called rachel darling for awhile to chat so as to make myself feel better and indeed i did, thanks darling girl (:

after that i went out to meet jilljill to do our manicure and pedicure.

in between when i see her texting her boyfie, i'll miss mine and feel alittle down

but i guess i managed to throw that emotion to the back of my mind

but when we were having dinner at cafe cartel i can't resist the temptation and texted you

in the end all i get was disappointment and a very dejected feeling

thanks to the reply i'm busy.

it just send tears down my cheek

i can't help it

i can't cope with the sudden 360 degree change!

from yes baby, give me a min i'll call you when i'm done alright? to i'm busy.

how am i supposed to get used to such cold replies from you

and maintain the feelings we have and sustain our relationship for a year?!

i don't know about you, but i seriously find it soooooooo freaking difficult!

you won't understand how i felt when i receive such smses from you

how hurtful those words are

多的是你不知道的事

luckily, things got a little better later when you texted me again.

when we had the little chat with more words

but the one message that really made my day was the one when i asked you about going out to drink with darius, your reply made me feel loved(:

"only you and him? seriously i can't say much. you should know what i mean"

yes baby of course i know what you mean(:

i love you so much!

jill came over to my house to accompany me for the night

which felt so much better

at least it kept me from all those unnecessary thoughts

and and we talked on the phone for awhile! hehehe!

baby, do you know there's actually another message that made me feel like you're still my baby boy without any changes.

"suddenly woke up de. going back to sleep now. then you still don't want to sleep?"

cause that's like almost 5 in the morning already, your little concern makes me feel very happy already. it's like the old saying, behind every dark clouds there'll be a silver lining.

had a nice chat with jilljill till 7am in the morning i think

which actually made me feel even more proud of my babyboy

i've got the best boyfriend in the world(:

although he can't be around now ):

it's really weird times passes so quickly

it's like every start of the year you'll feel like urgh i bet this year is gonna pass damn slow!
but *poof* one year passed just like that! lol

isn't it funny?

so many things happened this year

i guess i could say i really lived my life like a drama this year

i've experience every single emotion to the max

the saddest moment, the happy moments, all the ups and downs in life

hopefully all that just made me stronger

before starting 2011, i got one last goodbye to say

and that is to the guy that i once loved most, haroy soh

if not for the photos that we've took together i'll find it so hard to believe that we were once an item and so much in love with each other

it's all like a dream to me now

although happiness doesn't last but thanks for giving me the sweetest 2 months in my life.

when we got together, i thought fairytales prolly do exist? haha silly me

like i've always said when your eye candy becomes your boyfriend, its like a dream come true

that's exactly what i felt back then

but clearly not anymore(:

reality slapped me hard(and i mean really hard) in the face when we broke up

i no longer believe in prince charming or happily ever after anymore

even though i would really want it to happen

thanks for being such a bastard to wake me up to reality

so now i don't believe in guys that much anymore

you've made me grown stronger

and now that i believe i'm totally over you

i'm glad to say goodbye haroy!

goodbye to the cause of all my tears and sorrow!

you'll be gone with 2010 and my new year would definitely be a better one without you!

can't wait! :D

alright! before proceeding to 2011 i've got some recent happy memories that i'll want to remember for the rest of my life too!

CHRISTMAS 2010!

i've had a great time cam-whoring with my little cutie pie cousin kaikai

on christmas day itself we went over to my cousin's condo to celebrate with my mumsy's side relatives, but actually most of the time we were just snapping photos haha!

especially my sister and i

oooh! and there's a surprise lucky draw gift at the end too! haha

they must be damn rich luh!

my cousin paid for the catering, provide the place and even presents just for us!

property agent is such a good income job eh?

and of course my sisters gift exchange on the 26/12

whenever i'm out with them they never fails to make it a good one

which involves lots of laughing! LOL

after a scrumptious dinner at 北上川 steamboat we went to the take a walk at RWS and along universal studio to cam whore and finally settled down at coffeebean to chill

and exchange christmas gifts! :D

i seriously love them uber lots!

and i got a feeling that we'll stick with each other for at least another 20 years

we've promised to go market or ntuc to buy veg together in future when we become

housewives! HAHAHA!

♥♥♥

these few days i was watching this hongkong drama called 谈情说案

it's a very nice show

it's been some time since a show could really move me to tears

or maybe because this time the scenario is really something that i could relate to

looking at her it's like looking at myself in the past

refreshing my feelings and memories

from the way they broke up, the reason of the broke up, the aftermath of it

everything everything just reminds me of him

and how happily in love he is now

i'm happy for him, really

i was wondering why would i still feel so down after so long

i believe it's almost half a year since we broke up already

i should be over him long ago

why would i still be so affected when i watch this show?

i really don't know what am i crying for these 2 nights

what am i sad over!!

i hate this feeling

is it really so difficult to find someone that loves me as much as i love him

someone that would appreciate me and treat me well

so that when i treat him well, he won't feel stress and use that as a reason to break up!

i think it's really time to change a working environment

i don't know how long more i can take working with them

seeing them together

i hate myself for being so weak

why can't i be stronger like the girl in the show

maybe things would have been different

finally after almost 3 weeks, i see you again.

i guess i still need more time away from you?

i'm still kind of affected by you

the first day was still alright, i realised i didn't really care about your presence that much.

but the second day was abit more tough

cause you actually came over and talk to me yourself

i've already did my part and tried to ignore you, treating you like you're invisible

smiling and talking to everyone except you.

but you blew it, you came over yourself!

i was damn shocked can?

i was busy arranging the brochures at one corner myself then suddenly

somebody talked to me from behind

*excuse me*

so i turned around and said yes? thinking it was a customer

and you laughed so happily

your smile is still so attractive

never would i have thought that it would be you

i really don't understand you, i don't know what you are thinking

what you did makes me feel like we're still together or at least on good terms

playing around with each other like nothing has happened before

baby you're still so cute

after this how do you want me treat you as an invisible person?!

you've already made me notice you

like your way of saying hello to me

i really miss those happy times we had last time

playing around disturbing each other, having lunch together during work, waiting for you to end work and go have supper together at sunshine place and walking me home after that.

all those simple things yet so blissful

baby you liar, you said we can meet anytime because we're still friends

but no i don't feel that way.

i really don't know what is going through your mind at all

sometimes you make me feel as though we're still on good terms

but sometimes we're like total stranger with no contact at all

you make me feel like i shouldn't cling onto you anymore even as friends

like you don't give a damn about me

what's wrong with you?

or is it my fault?

after sunday i really feel like contacting you

be it sms wise or calling you

but i know i shouldn't do that anymore

i promised myself that i won't contact you myself anymore

i don't want you to think that i'm irritating

i don't wanna be like the other girls around you

see you in 5days time

i miss you baby

after so long why haven't i got over you?

though things are much better already

i don't cry so much at night now

but i still think of you every now and then

but i'm facing the fact instead

like the fact that you broke up with me not because of any other reason but because you don't love me anymore.

do you know how much courage i need to accept this fact?

so many different lies i've heard from others

i really wanna believe them all

but if it's not the truth why lie baby?

is it really like what rachel say

you only said all these to make yourself look better in the break up?

i've never wanna believe this but it seems like that's the ugly truth

baby i don't wanna contact you anymore

i really have to refrain myself from calling you or texting you already.

i cannot believe we actually reached the stage where by i don't know what to talk to you about anymore, when i called you that day seriously i really hoped i did not do that.

in that case i wouldn't realise this!

it sucks to end up like that

when we used to have never ending topics to talk about and now i can't even hold a conversation more than 2mins with you.

i really wonder how long more is this is gonna continue

not going to work for 2 weeks is a wise choice i guess

i think my wounds are healing already

as long as nothing drastic happens

like you have a new girlfriend already etc

i really cannot imagine one day i login to facebook and i see

haroy soh is in a relationship with blah blah blah

i think i'll go crazy? haha

that day your msn pm is already killing me!

what i love you it's not for others to see, are you telling me that you are in love with someone else already?! baby i know i have no rights to stop you but it's only been 2 months!

i cannot take it!

oh god help me get over him please!

i don't wanna wash my face with tears because of him anymore!

i think it's enough tears shed for the same reason

please speed up the recovery process!!

i'm dying here

):

our supposedly

happy 4th month baby

recently, my feelings are very mixed up.

i'm feeling very confused, unsure of what i want now

i feel like i've slowly slowly let go of him

like holding sand in my hands

letting go bit by bit through the gaps between my fingers.

this should be a good sign right?

but how come i don't feel happy at all?

able to let go of the pain in my heart

allowing the wounds to heal should be something good

something that can make me smile

but that's not the case

i don't want to lose the feelings i have for him

i want to drown myself in the sorrow of losing him

haha i must be mad to have such thinkings

i don't want

i feel very guilty to be feeling this way, like it's a crime to stop loving you baby.

i really wonder how will things be for us in future?

i find it difficult to be friends with you

i guess you must be feeling this way too.

it's still awkward to talk face to face at work yea?

i can sense you avoiding me all the time

so you should be glad that you won't be seeing me for 2 weeks close to 3 weeks

i don't know why the hell would i accept that lousy job

but i guess i was still hoping that you'll somehow miss me if you don't see me for a period of time

then maybe you'll contact me yourself?

i was hoping for that

silly me

baby you liar, you said we can meet anytime but up till now i think i've asked you twice but you weren't free on both days

so much for your anytime

and i still haven't take a ride in your new car!

i wonder how many girls have already done that

i'm so jealous of your future girlfriend ):

i wonder who will that lucky girl be?

this few days have been rather peaceful or i should say rather busy

it's good to have programs everyday

so as to keep myself busy and my mind off things that shouldn't bother me

let's see

i've watched 9 temples on tuesday and despicable me(3D) on friday!

supposingly should be watching inception today

which means 3 movies in a week! (without spending a single cent)

isn't it awesome?!

hahaha

but sadly i seriously overslept today so couldn't make it for the date today

sorry darius!

but yesterday i enjoyed myself alot too!

initially we planned to go clubbing but we reached a tad too late so we decided to train down to cine to sing k instead.

k happy is seriously damn ex can?! $37 nett though you can sing till 6am with 2 drinks but still

it burned a huge hole in my wallet!

i went home without a single cent ):

but once in a while alright la teeheeXD!

oh oh oh! and yesterday was like one of my greatest achievement

we walked ALLLL the way from cine to cityhall (funan IT mall there) to clarke quay to raffles and finally neil rd there

i think we walked for like 1 and a half hours hahaha

now i have like blisters on both my big toe thanks to the heels i'm wearing -.-

but it's still fun!

singapore is really small man!

it's interesting how the places are linked in a walkable distance lol

friday when i took nr3 home alone cause stupid justin don't stay at cck

i alighted at sunshine place as i didn't wanna wait for the bus to go around yewtee

when the bus passed by sunshine place a wave of sadness overwhelmed me again

looking at the table that we always sat at, you eating your chicken fried rice plus egg happily

that's like a weekly routine already

at least once a week we'll be there for supper after work ordering the exact same thing

it's becoming a habit that i don't wanna kick.

baby do you know how i felt when i was walking home alone from sunshine that day?

worse still the mp3 i'm listening suddenly played the song that we once sang together

男人女人

maybe it doesn't mean anything to you when you were singing it

but to me it's like a promise that you'll be true to me forever and never to hurt me you know

that road home used to be very long to me

but because of you the distance was never a matter

instead i often hope that the road could be longer so that we can spend more time together

holding your hand longer

looking at your face your smile longer

enjoying your companion longer

now i'm back alone, all by myself again

it seems like forever to walk home

it seriously sucks not having you by my side

i know i must get used to it, i guess i was too dependent on you in the past

that's why it's taking me so long to get over you

after 2 months of 2 people's happiness, i need to start searching for one person's happiness again.

why bring me up so high and end up throwing me down so deep

i never knew i could love someone so much until you came by and steal my heart away

like my sister say, this must be karma

i used to hurt others in relationships, the evil one that breaks people's heart

that's why now this is happening to me, i got ditched and hurt so deeply.

just 2 short months and there's like so many memories between us

all the memories are like scars on my heart

everytime i pass by one it'll be like pouring salt on my wound

the pain you inflict on me, never healing.

after so long we finally talked today

your attitude finally changed

you finally smiled when you talk to me

but as typical human's heart, i don't know if i should be happy or not?

since i've always wanted to remain as friends with you after we broke up

so isn't this what i wanted?

why am i still feeling so hurt deep down?

i really don't know what am i still expecting from you

it's been 1 month and 12days already

what can i still ask from you?

you should have long gotten over me since i'm nothing to you

don't tell me i'm still hoping that you still love me and that you will still want me back now

when i saw the way you can talk to me and not avoid me anymore, i believe you must have let go and move on already.

that's why you can talk to me normally now

we are truely friends now

this is what i wanted

friends

me and you, FRIENDS

NO THAT'S NOT WHAT MY HEART TRUELY WISH FOR!

i've always hope that we would still have the chance to get back together even up till now

even if i know in the end we would still break up at least i would be able to be happy for a few more months.

baby do you know when i saw you and talked to you today

i feel like a stranger already

there's so much changes about you and your life that i didn't know

all these are the little things that i would love to know

when i saw your new wallet today i wanted so much to ask you what did you do to our polariod photo that was once in your old wallet.

did you throw it away like how you threw our ring away?

everytime i think of where our ring is now, my tears would just start to dwell in my eyes again.

i can't help it that's my only regret

why did i leave my ring at your house

if only i remembered to wear it back before we leave house for our last date at bishan j8

with baby yaya.

i would be able to keep my most precious memory.

the ring is like the best thing you ever gave me

it's not about the price the looks or whatever but the promise and meaning behind it.

everytime i think of that i really don't understand how can a person's heart change so fast

without any warning?

unless you're telling me that everything that you once told me are fake

forget it, i don't wanna know

even if it's fake please don't let me know

you've already take away my happiness and future

please don't take away my precious memories as well

haha i didn't know i can still cry until like that up till now

i didn't know i have so much tears categorized under haroy soh

and i wonder how much more is left?

i got to start to pyscho myself to give up again

the first few weeks i really managed to somehow convinced myself to give up

you'll never return to me anymore

and i don't know since when my hopes came back to me

giving me the courage to fight for my own happiness again

although i know there won't be any changes

i guess i'm hoping for a miracle?

i actually made a wish yesterday night when i saw my phone time 11.11

i heard that you can make a wish if you see 11.11 and it'll come true

i'm so excited when i saw that yesterday

i hope my wish would really come true

i could really use a miracle now

sadly, i still love you baby

ps: baby, you look really cute with specs(:

it's been sometime since i blog again.

that's a good thing though

it means that this few days i'm alright

but today i'm back to blog again

thanks to shane lim, thanks to her constant reminder of how lonely it is to be alone

kept boasting to me how 幸福 she is with her abe tan

how i don't have someone to love me anymore

how i don't have someone to ask me to be careful when it's raining anymore

how i don't have a boyfriend to cook 爱心早餐 for me anymore

how it sucks to not have the person you love beside you anymore.

although i know she's just kidding, she mean no harm

but it really sets me thinking again

making me miss you again

thinking about our past

though it's only 2 months

remember that time when you cooked fried rice for me for the first time

and you actually cut your finger

it bled so much, make me so 心痛

and on the first day of school when you came and fetch me at woodlands back to your house

it started raining when we reach sembawang and both of us have no umbrella

so you cover me with my cardigan and we ran to your house haha

at that moment i really feel very blissed

i bet you don't know

but now it won't happen anymore

i'm all by myself now

no one to do that to me anymore

no one to protect me anymore

no one for me to love anymore

it's been 36days already, one month and 6days.

i know it's long over between us, i told myself to give up already since one week after our breakup.

i tried, i really tried to do it.

but everytime i see those things that we've done together before or things that you like

it just brings back all those sweet memories which make it so hard to let you go.

it's been 3 weeks since i last saw you

until saturday when i see you at work

you look so different already

you cut your hair again

and you seems like your lost weight, is it because of your wisdom tooth?

i keep having the urge to talk to you at work but i don't have the guts to do it

actually i know i should have gave up long ago and move on

candy always ask me the same question everytime she sees me.

candy would ask, so how you and him? patch back yet?

and everytime i would answer her the same thing as well

how i wish i could have a different answer too

but what else does she expect?

i always tell her nope, no chance de la, it's already been so long, we won't get back together anymore.

then she'll say, it's only one month how you know no chance already?

like what you want me to do?

but everytime i hear that i would somehow feel hope again

stop giving me false hope!

i know it's over it's over it's over!

i'm already trying so hard to get used to this fact now

don't give me anymore hope

baby your sudden message that day did the same thing.

i realised that message really set a great impact on me

but after the short text message conversation after work that day

i think alot and i made up my mind

i cannot text you anymore

i cannot contact you anymore

i really have to refrain from talking to you already

no matter how much i want to.

if not i'll never get out of this pain

although i really don't bear to lose contact with you

but i really cannot continue like that

i will still have to move on with my life

but no matter what you'll still live in my memories

i'll leave with the memories you gave me

i never hated you for leaving me

instead, i'm lucky at least i had you in my life before

and thanks to you, i have so many happy memories

at least i was really happy for that 2 months

thank you baby.

although the people around kept telling me how bastard you are and stuffs

but that's because they never saw the good side of you

they'll never understand how i feel for you

男人的好只有在他身边的那个女人才知道

而我曾经当过你身边的那个女人, 所以我知道.

也只有我明白你的好,你真的是一个好男朋友.

所以你那时说的那个理由根本就是你想太多

你没有不好, 是我没有福气做你身边的那个女人

我真的很爱你

你说我对你太好所以压力,我也只是想对我爱的人好一点

因为失去过所以知道要珍惜

因为不想再失去所以对你加倍的好,却没想到却也因为这个原因让我再次失去你.

但我知道这次已经不像上次那样了, 我们真的结束了.

因为爱你,我会放你走.

再见了我的爱人

再见我的爱

haroy soh yu shi

30th july

our supposedly happy 3rd month haroy soh

well this day started off in a good way i guess, somehow

when i just woke up this afternoon i saw your message

i'm super shocked when i saw it

1 new message

haroy starhub

1.38pm

the moment i saw it i'm totally awake

i don't remember smsing you

after reading your message, i really don't know how to think

it's like a mixture of feelings

really happy that you actually bothered to clarify and explain to me.

but on the other hand it means you read my blog already

i really didn't expect you to do that

which means you knew everything that i feel inside

how am i supposed to reply your message now

i've been thinking the whole day

i really want to reply you badly

but i just can't think of the perfect reply

what should i reply?

should i act blur like huh?

or should i say oh you read my blog, sorry i mistaken you.

i don't dare! i seriously don't dare to reply you!!

what if the wrong reply make you pissed off and push you further away from me again?

i didn't ignore you on purpose my dear

you know i'll never do that to you

because you taught me 将心比心

if i were you, after sending that message to you, i would definitely hope that you'll reply

although i don't know if you're waiting for my reply

like the way i think you will if i were you

but i doubt so.

yesterday i met a weird person under my block

he's really very scary kept talking to me

those kind like not in the right mind

he seriously freak me out when we took the lift together

at that moment i thought of you

if only you were here with me

i know everything would be fine, you will definitely protect me, keep me safe.

i wanted to call you but i know you won't answer my calls anymore.

even if i really called and you answered

i don't think i'll dare to tell you, if i were to hear that cold voice of yours at that moment i'll definitely break down

with that thought in mind, i put down the phone.

baby, i really dread this day

everytime i see the date today, it just makes me feel very sad

i went swimming with hanhan today

in the past if you know that i went swimming you should be very glad

i went to exercise! haha

and after swimming i would report to you immediately, feeling proud of myself!

and if it's today, i believe the person swimming with me would not be hanhan

it should be you instead.

remember we were talking about going swimming together one day?

we have not done that

and we'll never get to do that now

there's so many things that we have yet done together.

but i'll never get the chance to do it anymore

today is supposedly a day worth celebrating for

but from now on it's such a torture to even think about the date.

all the hurt happened on this date

30/05 is the first time

followed by 30/06

now one more month had pass, yet it's no better.

baby i think this 30th is a bad day to get together!

maybe we should have waited like one more day make it the 31st instead

hahaha

today's blog is not exactly that sad

because at least i have one message that seriously made my day

i kept reading that message every now and then today

the thought that you actually bothered to explain things to me really made me smile(:

thank you baby

seriously, thank you for doing that!

2 more days to our supposedly 3rd month anniversary

i really don't know what i'm thinking about this few days

it seems like i'm starting to harbor hope for you again

based on what, i have no idea!

i should have gave you up already

seriously

but instead, i've been messaging you more and more often recently

thinking of you more and more

what was i expecting? you to still have feelings for me?

i should have known right, nothing is left for me

you might already have a new girl in your life.

the one that you went for dinner with

jaime macthierman

i might be over sensitive, she might just be a normal friend

but your comment just now just made me break down

Haroy 于溮

Evil Jaime. Lol. 2 more yr your turn.

i don't know why, to others it might be just another comment but it just feels very different to me, she don't seem like just a friend to you, more like someone you're interested in.

who knows she may be the new girl in your life

but so what even if that's the case i can't do anything

i don't have the rights to be jealous or stop you or what

there's nothing i can do

you're not mine anymore, haroy soh no longer belongs to cherie lim.

and that's full stop. final.

you have all the rights to find a new girl to take my place

but why do my heart still hurt so much?

it's been 29days since our breakup

it seems like it's really quite some time since we're both single

but why can't i get over yet?

this is like the longest time i took to heal from a heartache

and i don't know how long more i need to reach the stage where i won't be sad whenever i think of you.

我不是你想象中的那么勇敢

i'm still very easily affected by every little thing you do

it could make my mind run wild

i'm like going crazy man! having constant mood swing

one minute i can be very happy but the next minute i thought of you again i'll be damn sad

sometimes i feel very bad when i'm out with my friends

like i'm always the mood spoiler

i really don't want it to happen but i can't help it.

baby, i really miss that joker side of you.

forever making me laugh, forever so cute

maybe that is why that little comment affected me that much

that used to be how you talk to me a month ago

but now your attitude seems so cold

it hurts everytime i message you

however i'm like an idiot, even though i know i shouldn't do this it'll hurt me if i text you

but i just can't imagine myself not in contact with you anymore

so i rather hurt myself then to lose contact with you.

i really don't know what to do now

i can't imagine seeing you holding another girl's hand

i can't imagine you attached to another person

there's so many things that i know i should do

so many facts that i know

but i don't know how to convince my heart to do what i know

i can't bring myself to take out our photo from my wallet yet

everytime i open my wallet to take a card i'll see our smiling faces, how 幸福 we used to be

my sisters kept asking me to take it out

it's time to change already

but i really don't bear to do that

i already lose our ring

the ring that symbolizes our love, our relationship

although these are very superficial things but to me they are very significant things

they are like a form of assurance to me.

if i were to take out the photo it seriously marks the end to our connection

which i really don't want that to happen

the day i take the photo out will be the day i really gave you up and move on.

if all these did not happen, i would have been happily thinking of what to do on wednesday

what to wear on that day

where to go

busy designing and writing my card

preparing surprises

but all these won't happen anymore

there won't be a day for me to look forward to every month now

this thought really saddens me

i really had enough of washing my face with tears because of you my dear

what spell did you cast on me?

that made me fell so deeply in love with you

so much so that i find it so difficult to not have you by my side.

i know it's tough on you now because of that two wisdom tooth.

do you know how much i want to go to your house now to take care of you

to help you change your cotton bud every now and then

do whatever i can to make you feel better

but i don't get the chance to do that anymore

the one person's concern that you want should not be me anymore.

tonight's gonna be a long torturous night again.

tomorrow night i'm going to stay over at hanhan's house

so i guess it would be much better

can't wait for that to happen

alright, i shall stop here

feel much better after crying my heart out and writing everything i feel.

i miss you baby